Humour

Questions & Answers
Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
A: 'Let us prey.'

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan - the banks were always overflowing.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.

Q: How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
A: Because Noah sat on the deck.

HOW GOOD IS YOUR READING?
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

THE PARROT
David received a parrot as a gift. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming, then suddenly there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. In the future I will endeavour to correct my behaviour."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "Umm, may I ask what the chicken did?"

MEETING GOD
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years" Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

THREE PRISONERS
Three prisoners to die before firing squad were allowed last words.
Prisoner 1: "Tornado!" (all scatter, he escapes!)
Prisoner 2: "Hurricane!" (all scatter, he escapes!)
Prisoner 3: "Fire!"

THE ATHEIST
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

THREE SONS
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both! You know how Mum enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute £10,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mum just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mum sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

THE BURGLAR
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his torch around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you!"
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?", the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

POLICE RECRUIT
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup!"

CHILDREN LITURGY ON SUNDAY
A leader asked the children just before she led them to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping!"

BEYOND RECOGNITION
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the garden and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson, my teacher, was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognise me!"

IT'S ALRIGHT, LORD!
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"

PRECIOUS SWEET LITTLE GIRL!
While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary school, a policeman was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," he answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," he told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward him, "would you please tie my shoe?"

PLEASE . . . WATCH IT!
Heard on a public transport vehicle in the USA: "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

LAST GOOD DEED
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it.
After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Hum, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a gang harassing this poor girl.
"I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them torturing this poor young woman.
"Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a iron bar out of my boot, and walked up to the leader of the gang. "He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.
"As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the iron bar.
"Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago!"

Ten Reasons WHY I NEVER WASH
01. I was made to wash as a child.
02. People who wash are hypocrites - they reckon they're cleaner than other people.
03. There are so many different kinds of soap, I could never decide which one was right.
04. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
05. I still wash on special occasions like Christmas or Easter.
06. None of my friends wash.
07. I'm still young. When I'm older and have got a bit dirtier I might start washing.
08. I really don't have time.
09. The bathroom's never warm enough.
10. People who make soap are only after your money.
Daft, innit! We all need to wash and we know it, there's no argument!
And we need a personal friendship with Jesus too.
The need may not be quite so obvious, but it's there all the same.
Jesus can do something soap and water can never do.
He can make us clean ON THE INSIDE!
And that can't be bad!

SATAN GOES TO CHURCH
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, people were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

IF GOD HAD VOICE MAIL
We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part of modern life. But have you wondered, "What if God decided to install voice mail?"
Imagine praying and hearing this:
Thank you for calling My Father's House.
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquires.
What if God used the familiar excuse ...
"I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line"
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call God in Prayer:
If you would like to speak to:
Gabriel, Press 1
For Michael, Press 2
For a directory of other Angels, Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding Press 4.
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her Social Security number, then press the star key.
(If you get a negative response, try area code 666.)
For reservations at "My Father's House" please enter J-O-H-N followed by 3-16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.
Our computers show that you have already prayed once today.
Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
Please pray again Monday after 9:30 AM.
If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local pastor.
THANK GOD, HE DOESN'T HAVE VOICE MAIL AND HE LISTENS WHEN WE PRAY!